Ok…where was I ?
Ok…just got home safe and sound after the mad chase through the hills of Palos Verdes in
1967. I was seven months pregnant…I am ok and so is the baby.
However looking back ..now that i know what i know…and being a child development
major and a retired massage therapist to boot..i realize..that that spirit of fear that gripped
me that night wasn't good for my child nor me. New information is one thing…but my kid
growing in me..didn't have that..he just felt my physical and spiritual response. These things
that happen to us need a deep healing.
On to what happened next…the birth on March 3. mmm…3 3…then the room had a three in it…i
remember that…numbers mean stuff..right? I think so…and the bill was three hundred and
thirty three dollars. Exactly what i had in my bank give or take some coins.
Wow. what does that mean?i thought.
Well, I almost died in the delivery…cause i couldn't seem to stay awake…until a SergeantGeneral labor room nurse..jumped up on bed i was in…slapped me awake
and said..unless you do this ..you will both die…i was awake now..
She leaned into my face and said…softely …i don't know what is going on but you don't want this
baby do you..i said…i am scared…she said..i am going to give you a crash course on LaMaze.
My little boy was 9 lbs 5 oz and beautiful…but i couldn't tell cause I was still drugged up and
depressed cause i still didn't have a dad for him. While they bottle fed my baby i lay in the bed
dreaming of who would marry me now? I thought of some guy that liked me, but I had to find
him. AT that time..guys were marrying girls for lesser reasons..cause the draft was full on
if you weren't in full time college.
I found the guy that liked me and we got serious fast. We ran off and got married in Vegas.
He was from a nice Catholic family. They didn't like me much cause needless to say i was
an unwed mother. What's the use in telling them i was a good Catholic girl that had a miraculous
pregnancy! Well i thought so.
After Michael got older…the guy I was dating suddenly got cold feet…he
said..i think we should date other people…what an idiot i was..i was so desperate not
to loose him….that i ignored the red flag that he was not loyal to me..and was folding under
his parents and friends pressure…I said..if you date someone else..i won't see
you anymore…So he said…ok…i won't date anyone else..Gosh…that was wrong…God
was trying to intervene…and you'll know why later.
Now..remember i was dating a service guy? Remember he gave me a ring to hold me
while he was gone for two…years…I really thought he would not last in Vietnam…
so many were getting killed…I also was desperate for a father for my baby…i was worried
about my sick father and wierdly spiritual mother. I was alone in the world and there
were no guarantees with the service boy.
Well that 20 year old service boy came back mid my dating this new guy…and one
night he suddenly appeared at my door…pleading to just give him one date…to prove his love
for me. he said..i don't care if you got pregnant…i still love you and i will raise him as my own.
My newest fiance…called right at that moment…Now why do things happen like this…this is a
life and death situation…so imperative that i make the right decision…here is this sweet
soldier pleading for a chance and Joe who was doubtful of our relationship…
I should have asked for advice..right? But noooooooooo…i did nothing of the sort. Instead i
told the soldier at the door…You would never love this child. You would resent him. And you
would think he would come between us. I can't do it to him. Besides there are not feelings
left…just hope now..and I am sure this soon to be doctor…would help us more. Terry you may
die..and if i let go of this man…then i will have no one…Do you see how fatalistic and terrified
of life I was…guys? Do you see how negative i thinking i was? Where was my faith..the faith
i had that kept me going and strong as when i was a teen?
So the soldier boy…left my porch..and i was heartbroken…and sooooo confused…Did i do
the right thing? Make the right choice? How does one know, people..how?
In the meantime…my dad got worse..and worse…one night we all went to see dad before
exploratory surgery…the doctor said…i have made a terrible mistake..your dad didn't get
proper exrays…for we finally found the problem. His previous gall bladder surgery…caused
an adhesion…which is an overgrowth of scar tissue..it invaded a nearby intestion..and closed
it off almost entirely! What we gasped…he has been in serious pain…and all i have been giving
him was Tums. What???? We were both angry and horrified..we wanted to scream at him…but
instead we ran to Dads room…and looked at his frail body..which lost so much weight cause
he couldn't eat nothing but liquids…
My Dad was hopeful although so white..with no color..he said..i can eat again..Lauren..i can
You can cook for me..would you cook for me honey? What do you want Dad…he said..applesauce
pancakes..and lasagna..we laughed..a little..that was the last time i saw him…it was
bitter sweet cause he also recalled how for years..we weren't close…he sounded
so unhappy…i thought Dad..don't talk like that before you go into surgery…stay happy and
positive.. it was if some deep sadness gripped him before he died…
My mom and him were never close and his addictions separated us..but at that moment i loved
my dad deeply and wanted to reconcile…I never got the chance…cause he died right after
We were all scattered like lost sheep in the hospital corridors…weeping and wailing. I kept
calling for …"Daddy Daddy my Daddy's dead"
It was so odd no one consoled me. The doctor just sedated me cause i was hysterical.
Not only did i not have a chance to have a relationship with my dad..but his last actions
to me were sour. Only the talk of cooking for him is what i remember …and it alone was
sweet. I hope finally he sees me as a loving daughter.
Well, its fall of 69…all his friends were partying up good and all of them were in college…
free love was floating around…drugs…but my fiance and I were in a bubble of our own
making…away from the chaos..of the war, rioting, civil liberty marches…my Dad is dead
mom is kinda depressed cause now she has a house which she can't afford anymore
and I was ready to loose the only change for a marriage and a father ot my
illigitimate child. The blood father was somewhere in Vietname…i heard…and had no plans
of visiting us…or helping finanacially causea you remember
he thought…this couldn't be my child…i hardly had anything to do with her…he told my sister..
I talked with His sister and she said…He thinks that you would tell your child that
he died in Vietnam..and that's the story he remembered. but even years later when i went to
see his family…they said..better stay away from him…he is still messed up from the war…
So, I guess they wouldn't even tell him I visited.
At least that's what i think they did. When my boy was finally an adult he never pursued
looking for His Dad … cause he thought why feel rejected again…Even recently i thought
honey look for your dad…it might be a good thing…He still said..no.
Getting back to the story… pre-med school was over and my fiance made a choice to be
a dentist. So since his parents didn't approve , and the draft board was breathing down
his heels…since he would leave and i might not see him again…between his fear of the draft ..
.his parents…and not picking the right school in time to accept him…we made the leap to
run off and get married. Oh..haste makes waste…it was disasterous…
As the war raged on, as his parents fumed at what they thought was our living together…as free
love was taking its toll around town in vineral disease and broken hearts…as more and more
guys were being drafted and slowly filtered over to be killed by the Viet Cong…riots and
marches..and picketing floundered on. What a mess our streets were..you couldn't turn on the
news without seeing poor hippie being hit on the head..or some civil rights marcher being
washed down with a power hose. What a terrible world…first JFK.. then Bobby the president's
senator brother…then Martin Luther King Jr. then my dad in 67…what the (blank) is going on?
Is Armageddien next?
Readers…you have to believe me…it was pure madness back then…and i believe that is why
people smoked so much dope…it all seemed so hopeless…its like what is happening now
there is a strong similarity…except for one GLARING DIFFERENCE..GENERALLY SPEAKING
PEOPLE IN THE STATES..WERE SWEETER, KINDER , MORE UNDERSTANDING AND
MORE SPIRITUAL TODAY…THE WORLD IS FAR MORE , GENERALLY SPEAKING …MORE
UNKIND, LESS FORGIVING, LESS UNDERSTANDING, LESS LOVING AND LESS
SPIRITUAL. I BELIEVE THE LINES ARE DRAWN…LIKE IN TOLKIEN'S" LORD OF THE RINGS"
NOVELS. THE DARKNESS IS INCREASING….
THE GOOD AND THE LIGHT FILLED ONES ON EARTH ARE GATHERING TOGETHER JUST
AS THE EVIL AND THE DARK ARE TOO.
So visitors to my blog…perhaps…that man chasing me in the car…that fateful night was
not wearing a mask at all…and it wasn't a man but a fallen angel…or demon…or both. If
anything…he was a prophecy of the darkness coming…and my pregnancy was not the
worst thing that could have happened to this sweet Catholic girl.
Till next time.